Georges De Bundel

Well done George. It is very encouraging to see Ireland’s Guidelines for countering bullying being promoted. I strongly believe that if schools were to adopt and implement fully the recommendations that you have referred to and made reference to, i.e. taking a whole school community approach to prevention and intervention of all forms of bullying throughout Europe and indeed worldwide, we would see a sharp reduction in the level of bullying and as a result a reduction in physical and mental ill health, not to mention school absenteeism, educational underachievement and early ‘drop out’ from school among our young people.

Hi Georges, You have provided a very powerful account of bullying and its impact and how close to the edge it can drive a victim of relentless and persistent bullying. I would be interested to know whether any of the teachers were aware of the bullying and/or any visible social and emotional signs of discomfort and upset on the part of the student. Sadly the parents it would appear were blind to the suffering, absorbed with their own issues or maybe they believed as many parents of teenagers do that the emotional highs and lows of teens simply belong to the stress and strains of adolescence. If they did suspect bullying there is the chance that they equally as many parents do, regard bullying as part of school life. Whatever the reasons are for the suffering so poignantly described by the girl it reflects the need to educate the entire school community to better identify, prevent and deal with bullying.

Hi Georges,
What a powerful piece of writing. It is very sad to think that this student didn’t have ‘one good adult’ to talk to. Our school has a care team which meet once a week where student’s whose behaviour has changed are mentioned and followed up. To date none of these cases have reported bullying as a cause. The change is due to home and family circumstances. But your case has made me think that we should be more proactive in seeking out incidences of this subversive bullying behaviour. Any suggestions as to how I might go about this?

Currently , neither parents nor teachers know that this girl was harassed in early secondary school. I appeal to the girl about your questions and I will come to you.

Hi Georges, what a heart wrenching account. It is truly dreadful to know how easily people can de-humanise another and apparently not see nor care what they are doing.

Can I ask, given her view on how her Parents saw her problems, did she actually try and raise them with her, only to get rebuffed or ignored?

Some additional information:
Hard bullying took place during the first and second years of secondary school (12/13 years old), and in a “lighter” way in third year. The young girl started talking about it anonymously in an interview with the school psychologist in fifth year (16). Currently in sixth year (17) since several months, the bullying is apparently no longer topical; she seems to have come to terms with it. Relationships with the parents (who are very dominant) and opening to the outside world (extra-familial activities, autonomy, planning of the future) have become the main focus of the interviews.
While bullying is no longer a problem, it left some traces. Recently, a classmate who used to bully her gave her a nudge in the staircase in an attempt to mock her in front of others. The young girl ignored the act and was not impacted. Besides, she is currently very close to a student who suffered major bullying for several years. 

Bullying and the parents:
The young girl evoked “modesty” about talking of bullying with her parents. At the time, she didn’t directly address the issue but did it through “allusions” and “small signs”, such as saying things don’t go too well at school, that her relations with the classmates are not very good. She talked about it “on the surface”. Her parents replied these were merely “childishness”, started by her own attitude. Her mother in particular had for the difficulties explanations that were systematically demeaning for the girl, such as “With your attitude, no wonder that…” Thus gradually, the girl stopped talking about it with them.
Still nowadays her parents are not aware of the bullying of the first years. In search of autonomy, in a traditional family of Moroccan origin, the girl, by informing her parents, would risk having her freedom of action dangerously restricted.
The girl herself tells her “wish to forget” that time, to do as if bullying hadn’t been real. 

Bullying and teachers:
Generally speaking, according to the young girl, successive teachers don’t analyse the situation, don’t have a global view, prefer not to know. Besides they are used to seeing students who are “ill-at-ease”. There are several of them in every class. Teachers are usually not motivated to look further into it.
Yet, the girl remembers several episodes in which a teacher stepped in.
Once, a teacher stopped the lesson, called out to the class and supported the girl in front of everyone. She was thankful.
Another time, while she was crying after being insulted, a teacher took her aside and asked her what was going on. At the time she wasn’t able to explain the situation, to put it into words. She says she could have only described it in a factual way but since, because of her education, it was impossible for her to repeat the vulgar words used against her, she couldn’t make her teacher understand.
On another occasion, she took an appointment with the school psychologist. Again, although the discussions were confidential, she didn’t dare to address bullying. Her aim was to improve family relations in an attempt to find comfort at home. Interviews took place with the mother but the approach didn’t shed light on the situation, nor did it unblock it.
The only people the girl could really tell her troubles to were friends from primary school. These were extremely shocked and hurt, but couldn’t do anything to stop the bullying.

How to detect school bullying:
To this question the girl spontaneously replies “knowing if the student has extracurricular activities”, a social life outside school. If they have none, there is a risk of isolation, self-depreciation. If they have, they have other resources, they are more armed, less dependent on the school students’ opinion. 
She also suggests to properly monitor students, imagines cameras in the hallways and immediate sanctions after any aggression.

We can only note how difficult it was for this young girl to openly express her ill-being and for the adults of the school to detect this bullying situation. Obviously the “law of silence” was strong. Insecurity and confusion were important. The girl’s experience, her difficulties, her suffering were recognised as legitimate neither at school, nor at home, nor sometimes even by herself. 
It is promising to observe that after a bullying period, life can return to normal. 
If the culture of the school, of society, fostered the expression of real feelings, expressing one’s suffering would be legitimate, welcomed. Organising secured circle times in which everyone could experience genuine words might change the face of the school. In general, young people enthusiastically dive into those spaces of freedom where talking is good. Wouldn’t adults, who are more shaped by social norms and institutional stakes, have more difficulties to talk openly? Shouldn’t we first allow school adults express their own experience in a kindly setting? 

Je pense tout comme vous que chaque situation demande un traitement particulier. Il n’y a pas de recette miracle (la thérapie brève stratégique n’en est certainement pas une) mais une large gamme d’approches et d’outils parmi lesquels enseignants, conseillers scolaires, thérapeutes doivent pouvoir choisir et expérimenter ce qui leur paraît le plus approprié.
Emmanuelle PIQUET nous rappelle qu’il faut avant tout miser sur les ressources de l’enfant et essayer de les développer pour le rendre plus fort, mais il est évident que dans un grand nombre de situations, cela ne suffira pas et qu’il faudra mobiliser d’autres ressources.

Merci à vous et à cette jeune fille qui a accepté d’ouvrir son coeur et de nous aider à comprendre la détresse extrême dans laquelle peuvent se trouver toutes les personnes victimes de harcèlement. Avec l’accord de la jeune fille, nous avons traduit ce témoignage en anglais et nous avons invité nos partenaires à en prendre connaissance.

Un témoignage tout en simplicité, le harcèlement dans toute sa “banalité” et sa “bêtise”.
Merci pour ce partage.

De ce témoignage émouvant, je retiens particulièrement la phrase « Au plus on veut éviter, au plus on s’écrase, au plus on est agressé ». C’est bien là le drame du harcèlement !

On ne le dira jamais assez, il faut en parler et continuer à en parler si le phénomène perdure.

Ne pas garder cela pour soi est la toute première chose à faire !